Stalled.

February 6, 2006 at 3:12 am Leave a comment

For years, further back than I care to reminisce, I have experience cycles of depression. Clearly, this sort of thing occurring regularly tends to hinder personal productivity. Many reasons float through my mind, reminding me of why it is that I’m not good enough to be happy, am in no position to deserve emotional attachment to someone (and vice versa), why it is that I will fail, to live forever alone and resentful of my status. This is how I have learned to get over this feeling…

Recently, I have realized that the best way to describe this feeling is that of being stalled. Going on for a month or more, without any substantial complaints, not worry-free, but certainly not overly concerned. Fear is not an issue. Then, slowly, like a sputtering engine, those negativisms begin to creep in, usually one at a time.

Like with a migraine, it is not difficult to see it coming. Tiny, spiraling lights enter the line of vision, and although consciously one is aware a real nightmare is approaching, often the medication cannot be reached in time. That, or the insistence that this time it won’t be so bad, or it may just pass, hinders any quick-fix action.

After experiencing this for so many years, it has only been recently that I have noticed the warning signs. As many as eight days have passed since the first tap on the shoulder, and although my world has changed dramatically between then and now, I am still afloat, not sputtering but coasting, waiting for the engine to cool down so that I may jam my foot on the gas and get going again.

I feel as though this past week has been a turning point for me. For reasons that were not overtly expressed to me, someone for whom I love dearly has chosen to take a different path, one that forks away from mine. People who are not clear in their intentions are quite bothersome to me; I have always tried my best to understand, others just as myself, confident that with raw information I might triumph over my own emotions. If I know the reasoning behind an action, it can therefore be justified. However, such knowledge is left beyond my grasp, and in the dark I question why it is that someone, who has been so close for so long, has chosen to leave.

When an instance such as this one occurs – an action with such tremendous impact where the first feeling is to wonder what I can henceforth do with my being – retreating into a world of self-loathing and failure is most certainly my natural tendency. My problem stems from a lack of control, no doubt, for despite my strong reliance on the fatalistic framework, control is an issue for me. If I lose control of anything – my social life, my academia, my emotions – disaster ensues.

So then, I realized this time, during this unfortunate situation I was thrown into, that loss of control in one area should never equate to loss of the whole. (This is the key! This is the part where you take out your highlighter and commit this concept to memory, then remember me ten years from now when I’m kicking Dr.Phil’s ass in the ratings department – Okay, not really. I’m nothing special. Okay, that’s not true either; saying that I’m nothing special in a piece about overcoming depressive tendencies is not the way to act – Highlight that too!)

Okay, so I couldn’t keep him. Alright. That’s not my fault. Can I blame it on the Gods? Maybe. Can I blame him? It is still very fresh, so yes, yes I can and I will. Will I forever? No. Because it doesn’t matter. And I don’t mean to say that in a demeaning way, as though I could care less that he is no longer a part of my life. I do miss him, and I’m sure a piece of me will always feel as such. I say that because that which lies beyond one’s reach, the things that cannot be controlled, those are the things that don’t matter. All that matters is what we can do with ourselves. Can anyone really, truly make another person happy? No. Absolutely not. Can anyone really, truly make themselves happy? Yes. There is no doubt about that. So, I ask, which one really matters?

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Entry filed under: philosophy.

Okay, so the process hasn’t begun just yet… This is pretty cheesey, but it’s cathartic so I don’t care…

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