Shaving my head – Part I

July 8, 2007 at 2:34 am Leave a comment

So I’m going to shave my head.

Yes, I still like boys. No, I don’t want to kill everyone. It’s not because of the music I listen to or my decision to return to veganism. It doesn’t represent anything about who I am as a person, nor will it change me. Well, it might, but I imagine it will only make me stronger.

Last year was a bad year. Well, the middle part. The beginning of this year was not very good either, but in a different way. Hair grows in six-month life cycles, and if you’re prone to auto-immune disorders (where your body attacks your body instead of disease) you’ll likely suffer from hair loss when you’re very stressed out. Of course, it will only happen six months later.

In February when my hair started to fall out meant that last summer was taking a delayed toll on my body. I was up north and I noticed the bald spot. I was too scared and shocked and whatever words can describe that feeling of losing something you’ve always had and had always appreciated, and truly felt you deserved.

I mean, I’m 24, my hair couldn’t possibly be falling out (something I’d always imagined as being terrible beyond belief), and when I’ve done everything for my hair- gave it a wonderful hairdresser, not dyed it too much, used expensive hair products, tried not to dry it out, never slept with it in a pony tail – this seemed unfair. I put a hat on hoping it would go away. Two days later, at home, I pulled out a mirror and checked again. I hadn’t been dreaming, and so I started to cry.

I started wearing hats and scarves to cover up my thinning hair, and also so I wouldn’t feel as though I needed to style it. Four months have passed and I still can’t style it without shedding like a cat, and I constantly have to clean the drain catch so as to keep the water from lapping at my ankles in the shower.

This has been an upsetting process. Though the patch has grown in for the most part, it seems to be coming out from all over. After reading up on Alopecia I tried to come to grips with the idea that lost hair in patches usually grows back, but continuous all over loss is a different story (ie. eyebrow in the candy beans, ha ha). One I don’t care to daydream at this time in my life.

Even though I’ll be seeing an accupuncturist in September, and my belief in the process may very well help, I’m still going to buzz it. I mean, I wear hats all the time now anyway, so it doesn’t much matter if it looks bad. Even if I didn’t shave, my hair would take some time to grow back fully. I’m taking this to be a time when I can begin again, totally fresh.

For years my hair has defined my self-worth, something I’ve come to realize as a bit of a problem. I was the fat kid in highschool, something that still haunts me, causes me to feel shitty about myself even now as a size 8. I’ve had the same hair dresser for 6 years because I trusted no one else. She gave me the hair cut that made me realize that dressing like a hobo wasn’t the way to go, and ever since then I’ve embraced my gender completely.

But I think it’s time to move on from that. Should some dead follicles define my femininity? My sexuality? My lifestyle? My personality? Fuck that, I say.

And you may all rub my bald head for good luck.

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Harumph… set the mood: Yesterday – the beatles An Open Letter to Customers… set the mood: Float On – Modest Mouse

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