ZOMBIES – Pt. 3 “I don’t want to end up like THAT” It just keeps getting worse…set the mood: the theme from Halloween, since I wish I’d chosen to watch that film instead.

August 1, 2007 at 1:30 am Leave a comment

Flesh Eaters

This film isn’t even listed on imdb.com, which guarantees it will suck.

We open on a hayride. Sigh. There aren’t enough films that take place around Halloween, thank gods this one… I’m sorry, I lost my train of thought when the group of acid-washed denim clad teens decided to start dancing to the boom box. So much denim and bleach-blond hair. I’m mesmerized by the sheer 80s-ness. And there’s the boob shot, 10 minutes in.

11 minutes in, two of our denim loving “teens” played by actors in their late thirties, run off to a barn to fuck. The acting is so bad. So is the writing. I don’t even know what is going on here.

Girl: Why are you holding back? Don’t you want to be with me?

Dude: It’s not that, it’s just everything is going so fast. This is our first night out.

Girl: You saying I’m too pushy for you?

Dude: A little. It’s just I don’t think I’m ready to get serious with anyone right now.

Girl: Who said anything about getting serious? I just wanted to get together with you and have some fun, you know, fool around. The first time I met you at Julie’s party I wanted to be with you.

Dude: Maybe you don’t understand what I’m trying to say, but when Julie fixed us up to go on this hayride together, I was really excited about it. I mean, you are really cute, and I haven’t been out with a lot of girls, I just never had any girl treat me the way that you have.

Girl: Well, I’m sorry, I don’t mean to come on so strong, I just really like you and I want you to know it. Why don’t you come a little closer…

We all know what happens next. I don’t believe this dialogue for a second for two reasons: this guy isn’t too bad looking, and men rarely turn down women who are throwing themselves at them, second I was pretty sure she was a man until her top came off. This scene is great because as they are making out, her terrible studio recorded moaning is heard while he’s suckling, then immediately cut out when they kiss.

Of course, the zombie, who rose when a farmer dug up his tomb out of general curiosity, comes into the barn pre-fornication, stabs the dude with a pitchfork, then rips a hole in the girls upper abdomen and removes her heart and eats it.

A) hearts are usually located beneath the sternum, on the stage left side of the body, not in the upper abdomen, below the ribcage.

B) this movie is terrible.

So now the farmer is a zombie. And the slut will be a zombie and the horny dude also a zombie. The ten teens are down to eight.

This is great. This one teen is running through the woods and she sheds her jean jacket in order to better project herself through the air, as though the denim was keeping her from being aerodynamic. She’s bitten, the teens decided to bring her to the farm house they saw. That seems like a bad idea to me.

One thing I like about this ridiculous thing is the zombies. They are far more Romero-esq than the ones in Burial Ground, which means that the producers took this far less seriously. And there is little room for serious in a zombie flick. The gore is mid-range, the acting is D-level if that, the hair is big, and the denim and blue eyeshadow is plentiful. I never thought I’d support an American take on a genre over the Italians, but this one takes the cake.

What? Six of them are boarded up in the house, and are rejecting the two stragglers, saying “it’s too late, find your own place to hide.” That makes no sense, but it propels the story forward.

The tightness of the jeans in this movie is distracting me.

I just want Fido to come out on video so I can talk about something intelligent.

Um… 34 minutes in and everyone in the house is dead. The two rejects are hiding in the basement. I hate movies like this that start the action thirty seconds in and continues to progress so quickly that by an hour in, they are grasping at straws to keep the story going to the 85 minute mark.

Oh, I see. Naked woman showering in the house nearby. That’s what they are doing. Introducing new characters almost halfway into the story. New naked characters.

I don’t know how I feel about this kind of thing. Tarantino did it in Death Proof, and though I thoroughly enjoyed the film, I felt strange about being given these girls backstory and then taking them away in an eruption of body parts and soiled pavement. Now I understand the technique. It’s extremely jarring to invest a certain amount of emotion into the characters, have them killed horribly, then begin again. Perhaps the reason I didn’t like what was done in Death Proof was that the second set of characters were also given too much time to develop, and the film, rather than slowing to help the viewer retain composure after such a horrific car crash, actually halted while these girls sat around drinking soda and eating burgers.

Look at this, the old man (the original zombie) just ate the face off of a 7 year old girl. I’m both disturbed and impressed that the filmmakers killed off the kids. However, this was made in the 80s and Romero had already done it in Dawn of the Dead so I’m not that impressed.

Now there are just zombies everywhere because no one has figured out how to kill them yet, which seems lame because, you know, it’s the 80s and these kids should have seen Dawn of the Dead. This represents the very bold line between shit zombie flicks and fine art zombie films: cardboard characters who are killed because they are vacant abound poor slasher films. And it doesn’t matter because the star is the FX guy. Romero took this genre and improved it by creating characters people could relate to and care about. They weren’t just devoured because they actually did have brains. They could think for themselves. Rarely did they die due to simple ignorance, they died fighting to stay alive.

Girl: This is a really great party.

Dude: Yeah, and it’s getting better all the time.

Girl: That is a really great costume.

Dude: Thanks.

Girl: This is a really great song.

Dude: Yeah, let’s dance.

Can she not say anything else? Who wrote this dialogue?

Dude: Are you okay?

Girl: Yes. No. I’m scared to death. (pause) I guess I’m alright though.

They go to the Halloween party, and no one believes them, then a zombie comes and the host mistakes the zombie for someone in a great costume. No one is sad when the zombie eats his face. Everyone at the party is consumed. The scene had me thinking “thank gods the zombie found a meat hook, or she would have screamed indefinitely.”

1 hour 5 minutes in and I really don’t want to watch this anymore. I’m so glad I bought this box set instead of Arrested Development Season 3. This is much better.

The zombie film is a perfect American horror genre just because when the zombie apocalypse occurs, everyone already has a gun. It doesn’t seem at all strange that the police are rounding up the locals, who all happen to own many various firearms. It’s great because the authorities don’t have to worry about the legalities of handing out weapons to the general public.

Hm. I don’t think I’m watching this movie anymore. Which is probably good. Maybe I’ll go read some Dostoevsky before bed, you know, to make up for the neuropathways this film has severed. Oh look, it’s over anyway and nothing actually happened except everyone turned into a zombie. BOOOOO! *throws veggie chips at the tv*


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ZOMBIES – Pt. 2 Braaiinnnnsss… set the mood: the sounds of Oktobre fest sausage eating contest An Open Letter to Fashion… set the mood: Big in Japan – Tom Waits

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