An Open Letter to Fashion… set the mood: Big in Japan – Tom Waits

August 3, 2007 at 1:53 am 2 comments

Dear Fashion,

First off, I’d like to fully support your existence from the late thirties through to the mid 1950s. Body-hugging pencil-skirted suits with 4 inch heels and a cute little hat and matching handbag? Brilliant. Full-circle skirt, crinoline, and 4 inch heels? Love it. Floor-length silk dresses with modestly-sexy necklines and plunging backs appropriately accompanied by 4 inch heels? Fabulous.

Hm. Perhaps I’m not fussy about the outfit, so long as 4 inch heels are involved.

Regardless, I’m a fan of the classy-yet-sexy period. Why can’t we do that again? I just don’t understand why it is that every season something has to come out that a) only looks good on someone with the body of an eleven year old boy and b) is either too revealing or too tent-like.

Example: Skinny Jeans. Why? Why brings these back? The average female is 5’4″ and a size 8. That’s me. I’m average on the outside, awesome on the inside. Putting me in skinny jeans would be… how could I word this? An exercise in mutilating the self-esteem, that’s what it would do. Why? Cause I have hips. That’s why. That’s okay, I’m supposed to have them, and I think they are all right. But skinny jeans… skinny jeans don’t like hips because they make the hippy (again, the majority of society) look like a giant inverted triangle. And that’s not what women are. We are regular triangles, and men are inverted triangles. Therefore, skinny jeans make women men.

Leggings. Leggings are useful for two things: to stay warm in the winter (under jeans, a long skirt), and for running in the winter because wearing shorts to jog in -20 degree weather is a sign of sociopathy. Aside from that, leggings are no good. They are not good under short skirts. Or dresses. Or baggy t-shirts. Or tight t-shirts. They are not good with lace trim. In fact, they are so bad with lace trim that other garmets, garmets that should be trimmed in lace such a silk slips and bras and the like, cringe in disgust, becoming intensely ashamed of their highly appropriate and alluring lace trim.

The Maternity Dress. These are bad. Bad bad bad. Why you ask? Because they MAKE EVERYONE WHO WEARS ONE LOOK PREGNANT. That’s why they are called the MATERNITY DRESS. The empire waist with the short but oddly full expanse of fabric that falls from just beneath the bust hides the highly distinguishing aspect of the female form: the hour glass (or close approximation). Take, oh, and hour glass. No, a watch won’t do. Just imagine it, you don’t have to have one in your hands. Now take a handkerchief (like a tissue or Kleenex but made from cloth) and mentally drape it over the top of the hour glass so that it is hanging down evenly on all sides. Now take a tube (tennis ball display box) about the same size as the hour glass and mentally drape the handkerchief over it similarly. Notice anything? Yeah, they look EXACTLY THE SAME. And that’s not a good thing.

What I’d like to know, Fashion, the reason I’m writing you in the first place, is why is it that you insist on pushing this kind of crap on us? And who the heck decides what is going to be ‘Hot’ this year anyway? It certainly isn’t me. I find it interesting how every store just so happens to always put the same styles and colours out on the racks every season. What sort of Fashion Getaway do you have for designers? Do you all sit around, wondering what colours you can convince us to buy this time? “Let’s try to get them into Lime this year. We’ll pair it with Coral and see if they go for it.” Then, after deciding that stirrup pants are the greatest thing since low-fat no-whip orange-mocha frappucinos, you have a short-lived pillow fight and then eat smores while having a contest to see who can make the most stylish dress from tinfoil and banana peels. That’s what you do, isn’t it?

Don’t lie. And for the record, I’m not falling for it.


Entry filed under: .

ZOMBIES – Pt. 3 “I don’t want to end up like THAT” It just keeps getting worse…set the mood: the theme from Halloween, since I wish I’d chosen to watch that film instead. Gross Shoes… set the mood: Dancing Shoes – Arctic Monkeys

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Leah Johnson z  |  December 26, 2011 at 2:44 am

    Do you ever just get the “I don t want to and you can t make me, nanny, nanny boo boo s” Today, that was my attitude.

  • 2. Kayla Sherlock 7  |  January 10, 2012 at 9:18 pm

    And I don t want to sound cynical, but we just had the state governor of Wisconsin threatening to use the National Guard to break up protesters.


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