Archive for September, 2007

An Open Letter to Myself ?… set the mood: the sound of my own ignorance

Dear Dumbass,

Congrats! You’ve officially (and unwittingly) announced yourself pretty pretty pretty precharded — that’s the politically correct term for ‘pretty retarded’ at my place of work where there is an open kitchen and we must swear in code — right here on the internet, potentially for millions to see.

You often complain about others stating facts without doing proper preliminary research, and yet you’ve overstepped your bounds by assuming that something was not what it actually was — in a previous post you accused Elvis Radio of not playing Rhinestone Cowboy out of personal spite against you.

ELVIS NEVER PERFORMED RHINESTONE COWBOY, DUMBASS!

You need to tone down the sass and do some goddamn research before you write your open letters; it’s about the quality of the rant, not the quantity.

.megan.

P.S.  Elvis is rolling over in his grave at the thought of you confusing WAYNE NEWTON for THE KING!

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September 21, 2007 at 2:04 am Leave a comment

An Open Letter to The Voice of the Voiceless aka Crazy Man… set the mood: Bad Moon Rising – CCR

Dear Mr. Harold C. Funk,

This morning, your most recent letter to the HEAD OF THE NATION has reminded me once again why living in the city is far more interesting then living in suburbia. No one in suburbia prints up hundreds of open letters to the government and sticks them on car windshields at the crack of dawn. Conspiracy theories first thing in the morning are much like a good cup of coffee or a can of Red Bull. So thanks for that.

As far as your presentation is concerned, I’d like to point out that typing everything in capitals, although it is clear that you’re trying to make a VERY LOUD POINT, defeats the purpose of using capitals in the first place. I suggest perhaps WRiTiNG LiKe THiS IN ThE fUTuRE bECauSe iT’s EfFEcT iS fAr MoRE JaRrInG.

Second, though you’ve got some interesting stuff in here (“Stop the mass murder” – note: I’m not actually referring to the context with which you wrote this, but it’s a good – however ‘Granola’ it may be – point to make), but there seems to be a bit of an issue with your spell check and grammar check on your computer. Perhaps it just underlines everything in red because YOU ALWAYS WRITE LIKE THIS AS THOUGH YOU ARE SHOUTING OVER THE READER’S SHOULDER.

You see, when people are ranting and saying things that are construed as crazy by others, it is best to use discretion with the presentation. If everything you write is in capitals with little to no respect for general grammar rules (not only of the language you are writing in, but of ANY language), no one will take you seriously, least of all the Government. They just think you’re a nut.

Example: “ROMONA HAS PUT VERY SUCCINCTLY THE “RIGHTS OF THE CHILD” IMMEDIATELY AFTER CONCEPTION THAT I SHALL EXPECT EACH NATION TO PROTECT IN LEGISLATION NOT ONLY THE RIGHTS OF THE CHILD BUT THE “RIGHTS OF EACH CONCEPTION AFTER CONCEPTION. (There is no end-quote here on purpose, as you left it out of the final version)

Suggestion: Romona has clearly outlined the “Rights of the Child” immediately after conception. It is the duty of each nation to not only legislate protection of the rights of the child, but that said rights be valid from conception on rather then from birth. (Or something along those lines… I had to read this several times in order to understand your point)

See? Yours looks a little crazy, whereas mine like I did some research and clear-headed thinking before I sat down to write. And it’s only 8:57 am!

As far as your facts go… I’m not sure if claiming that children have a language called DNA is going to support anything; to me using language to equate the genetic makeup seems to compare children to computers, since computers have languages written for them to run. In my mind, this reduces the concept of the child to that of something mechanical and inhuman, and I thought that was going against what your rant is all about.

And appearing to yell about how abortions are HATE CRIMES doesn’t say anything but that you don’t know the general definition of the term hate crime. Abortions would be hate crimes if women were going out and getting pregnant on purpose, then aborting them because they hate children. Aborting a zygote because one doesn’t feel as though they could give a child a loving, supportive environment (for whatever reason: selfish, drug addict, soul-less, disinterest, against the continuous overpopulation of the planet…) isn’t hateful towards the child.

Additionally, I don’t understand what the follow means:

SOUL IN THE NEURAL TUBE WHICH MAKES A FORM OF SACRILEGE

FINGERS OUTLINES AT 33 DAYS

…UNBORN CHILD AND BRANDED IT AS A TERMINATION OF “EVIL”

Proof-reading is your friend. So are antipsychotics, but I certainly don’t want to tell you what to do with yourself, especially since you are entertaining just as you are. The downside is that when people see this kind of sloppy output, they start to think things like “Damn crazies, why can’t the government just get them some handlers?” or something along those lines, and all of a sudden not only are your rights as a mentally unstable person put into question, but the concept of “Freedom of Speech” is at stake. If I was to adjust my thought patterns to reflect yours, I’d say that you, Sir, can be solely responsible for putting the Canadian Constitution at risk of disembowelment!

Wishing you the very opposite of a good day,

.megan.

September 20, 2007 at 1:05 pm 2 comments

An Open Letter to Elvis Radio (Sirius Satellite channel 013)… Rhinestone Cowboy – the One and Only KING, BABY

Dear Graceland Inhabitors,

So I’ll admit that three weeks ago I couldn’t stand the thought of listening to your station for longer than a busy lunch hour. And yet this morning I found myself going for an all Elvis day, actually listening to the King from 7am until 4pm today. Wow. That’s a lot of King.

And while I spent many a moment saying “Awesome, this song!” I never once was able to proclaim such a thing when Rhinestone Cowboy was played. Know why? BECAUSE YOU WOULDN’T PLAY IT ALL DAY.

I heard Suspicious Minds played at 11:23, then again at 1:31, and yet again at 3:18.

And no Rhinestone Cowboy.

I remember hearing that song that sounds like Shake, Rattle, and Roll twice, the song that sounds like Great Balls of Fire twice, and at least a handful of other songs that were played more than once. And you know, I do give you some credit for playing multiple recordings, some of which aren’t available to the public (like the version of Ghost Riders in the Sky you played today, thanks for that), but these songs repeated today WERE THE SAME RECORDING DATES.

You bastards. Did you seriously think no one was going to notice? I know, you’re sitting there in Graceland thinking your hot shit because you control Elvis Radio. I could very easily go out and start a Johnny Cash radio station and control it from Folsom Prison and maybe I’ll even learn to cross the airways and take over your petty little station in an effort to help the world understand that simple black is a far stronger statement then sequins and capes.

Over and Out,

.megan.

September 17, 2007 at 9:49 pm 1 comment

An Open Letter to the “physician” I “poisoned”…

Dear Liar,

There are many things in this world that we don’t like. I don’t like ABBA. They make me want to shove screwdrivers in my ears until I puncture my temporal lobe by which time I might have dropped the screwdriver because the cerebrospinal fluid has made the Robertson handle too difficult to grasp and twist.

Other things that suck: missing out on getting tickets to see a show, getting an apartment right next to the airport, and having a 24h bug that has been going around.

And you.

That’s right, Sir. I said you. You suck because this morning you brought me down from my fabulous ‘Sunday Morning and I’m Working My Ass Off Again for Ingrates Who Don’t Appreciate Western Living’ self by calling me and informing me that baked goods I sell gave you, your wife, and your baby diarrhea.

First of all Sir, WHAT WERE YOU DOING FEEDING SCONES TO A BABY?

Second, WHY DID YOU EAT THREE IN ONE SITTING? Do you know how much fat that is? 75 grams of fat, you stupid fuck. 1500 calories. “Oh, I got diarrhea, poor me, feel bad for me, give me free scones.” You obviously don’t know how to maintain LIFE properly, because three scones isn’t a meal. It’s more like a binge, and that’s the sign of an emotional problem.

Third, you proudly informed me that you, your wife, and your baby know for sure that it was the scones because “that’s all we had to eat yesterday.” YOU BOUGHT THE SCONES AT 1:30 IN THE AFTERNOON. I should call the CSA on your ass if you haven’t fed your baby anything by 1:30 and even then all you gave it was a couple of pieces of scones.

I was nice to you. I kept my mouth shut about how absurd the whole idea was, all the time questioning if perhaps you and your wife and your baby have lactose intolerance, since there are few things that cause diarrhea other than a parasite or virus (neither of which are present in scones, as they are baked at 375 degrees and go from fridge to hot oven experiencing nothing in between like a toilet bowl or hospital sheets) and are handled with tongs. I don’t recall having rubbed your six cheddar scones on my ass before boxing them, but who knows. I’ve been known to do many a crazy thing at work on a busy Saturday.

I said that the whole thing was very interesting since I’ve never heard anything like this in all the years I’ve been working in the bakery, and that myself and my fellow coworkers, as well as our hundred or so regular customers who eat scones on a daily basis have never experienced anything like diarrhea.

Your response: “Oh I’m a PHYSICIAN, I’ve heard these things reported.”

Oh, so now you’re a Physician. That’s a vague term isn’t it?

A) I’ve since done some research on diarrhea and I’ve found nothing that could indicate that what we sell made you, your wife, and your baby sick.

B) Why is it a physician, his wife, and his baby had eaten nothing before 1:30 in the afternoon then chose to have a healthy scone binge? That doesn’t sound responsible at all.

C) I looked up your name in the white and yellow pages and there is no listing of you being a physician. And as I’ve come to learn, anyone who has paid six figures to obtain any sort of letters of importance will go out of their way to make sure they are clearly listed on everything they own.

D) I remember you; you weren’t over 27 and you looked kinda like a stoned bum jonesing for scones. I don’t believe you for a second when you say you’re a physician.

E) Go fuck yourself.

.megan.

I found this fact sheet on managing diarrhea which you might find interesting.

September 16, 2007 at 9:54 pm 1 comment


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